January 2014   Semi-Informative News from the Middle Ages
Spanish Armada Stuck in Ice on Keuka Lake
Attack on Peasantman Site Postponed Until Spring Thaw
Penn Yan, New York (Combined News Services) ~ King Philip II of Spain announced today that the ships of the great Spanish Armada that have assembled on the shores of Keuka Lake opposite Indian Pines Park are now stuck in the ice, delaying an invasion until at least the spring thaw.
A Chinese ice breaker that was sent in to rescue the members of the Armada is now also stuck in the ice. A larger ice breaker from Australia intended to rescue the Chinese crew is now also stuck in the ice, as is the even larger Norwegian ice breaker that was sent in to rescue the Australian crew. An even larger Russian ice breaker is scheduled to rescue the Norwegian ship, but not until after its construction is completed sometime in 2019.
According to Philip II, the 130-ship Armada had originally intended to strike during last summer’s Peasantman triathlon, but underestimated the amount of time it would take to transport all the ships to Penn Yan. Most of the ships had to be transported via rail after landing on the eastern shores of the United States last May.
“There’s really not much we can do at this point,” said Philip II through an interpreter. “These ocean-going wooden ships are not really meant for inland lakes, let alone frozen ones.”
(Left) The ice-bound ships of the Spanish Armada on Keuka Lake. (Above) The trapped Chinese ice breaker sent to rescue them.
Puzzled Penn Yan residents have largely brushed off any concern of the impending invasion. “Don’t these guys realize that they can just walk across the ice? They seem pretty clueless about how to fight a battle,” said local resident Theresa Billingsley. “It’s like they think it’s cool to put all those big outdated ships over there, like we’re going to be scared or something. Then they just get stuck in the ice and they’re giving all these excuses not to bother with the invasion.”
When pressed on why the Armada has decided to hunker down for the winter instead of making the short walk to the park, Philip II stated, “We’re really better at naval warfare, we don’t know much about how to fight any other way. All we have are these enormous cannons that we can’t lug around. We can’t even figure out how to unmount them from the ship.”
“Instead I think it’s better for the morale of our men that we spend the next few months sampling the fine food from the many great restaurants of Penn Yan, and maybe visit some wineries until we feel well-rested and prepared.”
Many village residents have theorized that Spain may still be bitter about the Armada’s failed 1588 attack on England, and has perhaps redirected its efforts on Peasantman. Local residents don't seem to be worried however.
Still, Peasantman founder Joe McMahon sought to calm any fears the public may have. “We really have no concerns at all. Even if these guys tried to invade the park, remember that there have been thousands of Vikings living there since last summer. The Armada has nothing on those dudes.”
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